Profile Advice – For the Ladies

All in all, I do feel bad for women on dating sites. As I’ve been led to understand, and have even witnessed, there are more than a few guys out there who pretty much wreck any respect women would have for men simply by being troglodytic, sex-crazed mooncalves. On behalf of myself and every other guy out there who’s actually looking for something fun and meaningful, I offer my deepest apologies and wish you nothing but the best.

That said…buckle up, because the filter is coming off for a bit.

Ladies, as a relatively normal guy, I really need to clear some things up for you. Because some of you (not all — sit down feministas) are really not putting forth your best in your profiles. It’s not that I don’t think you’re trying. I just think that certain obvious things need to be pointed out as being so stupidly obvious that I simply cannot understand why you don’t see it.

Everyone can and should put up multiple pictures. This is, for all intents and purposes, an internet meat market. Dress it up all you like, and follow your heart all you want; human beings are attracted, initially, by appearance. That’s an evolved trait passed down through evolution just like the color or your eyes or the way you jump when frightened. I truly do understand the well-meaning thought behind appreciating someone for their mind, their wit, their humor. But you could be the William Shakespeare of this generation and it won’t mean squat if you look like Sloth from the Goonies. That said, not all of us have won in the genetic lottery — work what you’ve got anyway. The right person can and will be attracted to you.

One of the things I simply cannot understand, and quite frankly I tire of running across, is the woman who has one or more pictures of her boobs or butt who writes in her bio that she’s “not looking to hook up” or can’t understand why guys are such pigs. This one gets filed in the ever-growing file folder labeled “You’re fucking kidding me, right?!” If you want a man to appreciate you for something other than your sexual tidbits, maybe you should put that shit away until you get to know someone better. Put another way: If you sell sex in your pictures, you’re gonna find buyers. This is not rocket science. If you want to argue with me that I’m some kind of chauvinistic pig, I will simply point you in the direction of countless studies of evolutionary science that say men are programmed to seek women with large breasts and wide hips because it displays a healthy female who will likely not die during childbirth and provide for the offspring. I’m not some kind of knuckle-dragger — that’s just how it works.

Something else that bothers me is the overuse of certain phrases in bios. It usually starts off with some variation of “I’m not good at talking about myself”. This is, of course, judged by me as being USDA-Prime bullshit. Sell yourself. Be proud of who you are and that you’ve managed to make it as far in life as you have without killing yourself or others (assuming you don’t have a murder record). Brag. If you have a great love for ceramic monkeys, say so. Above all else, be yourself. Be the amazing woman you are.

Using that as a baseline, the following phrases, and their variants, should not now nor ever be used in bios:

• “Partner in crime”

– Seriously? This phrase should die a quiet death. Stop using it. Literally 75% of women have this in their bio. We can’t all be Bonnie and fucking Clyde, okay? Besides, they died a hail of bullets.

• “Sense of humor a must”

– Unless by some miracle a tax accountant who had a personality-andectomy somehow managed to put together the reasoning that he’s looking for a romantic partner who also is a soulless, humorless freak of nature on a dating website, chances are the guys on there have some form of humor. What kind of humor? Hmm…maybe that’s something you should specify. Dark humor? Gentle humor? Red-Fox-dirtier-than-a-motherfucker humor? I’m hilarious, but probably not as much to the folks who dig clean and wholesome anecdotes. That’s who they are and that’s who I am. Oil and water, ladies.

• “No liars/cheaters/players”

– This pretty much goes without saying. By and large, women aren’t looking for a one night stand. Rest assured that those who are looking for that are pretty upfront about it. This telegraphs one thing to men: This chick has been fucked over and is probably more laden with issues than a Tuesday morning magazine stand.

• “I don’t play games”

– Unless this phrase is being used in the context of video or board games, take it off your profile. You can say “Don’t play games with me”. Subtle difference, I know. But the latter is someone who has been played — the former is someone who’s been accused of doing so; probably justifiably.

Another word of advice: Keep your bios brief if you can. As a guy who knows how to completely blow up the keyboard, not everyone is looking to read a narrative of your personal philosophy. People don’t read EULAs or owner’s manuals, so why would your life story be any different? Save something for the actual date. Give enough to draw interest and spark a conversation. If you’re not confident enough in your abilities to convey who you are, write it up and give it to a friend who can be your editor, offer suggestions, and be blunt with you.

I had given serious thought to creating a fake profile with some hot guy’s pictures to draw attention, and then put all of this in the profile section…but thought better of it. Just do me a favor and pass this along to every woman you know who has a dating profile or three.

Side note: When a guy writes you an otherwise well-intentioned message, and you’re just not into him, be polite, tell him he looks like Louis CK’s ugly brother and that you’re not interested. Otherwise you are, in fact, a rude person for not answering. I know you’re getting deluged by messages (I’ve seen this and it is frightening) but if you viewed my bio, I know you read the message. Be direct and let the chips fall where they may.